“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. Self-care is not selfish. You cannot serve from an empty vessel."

- Marissa Foster

Welcome to our family support group! First of all, welcome to any newcomers and welcome back to those who have been part of this group before. It takes courage and vulnerability to show up and share your story with others, and as many of you do every week, it also takes courage and vulnerability to keep showing up. This week, our discussions centered on topics that group members felt needed more clarity and deeper exploration. One of the key questions raised was: What should we do—and what should we avoid doing—when our loved one is in treatment or at different stages of recovery? Supporting a loved one during this time can be incredibly challenging, especially when our efforts are met with anger or resentment, leaving us feeling like nothing we do is right. It’s important to acknowledge that our loved one may not yet be ready to accept help or may still place blame on us for their struggles. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is step back, give them space, and wait for them to reach out when they are ready. However, this does not mean we should tolerate disrespect. We’re allowed to set boundaries, give ourselves a "timeout," and focus on our well-being. This conversation naturally led us into the important topics of containment and understanding the difference between enabling and helping. Tami provided a powerful metaphor to encapsulate this process. She described it as being in a room full of cups—some full, some empty, and others partially filled. You hold the pitcher to fill these cups, but your pitcher must also be refilled to continue pouring into others. Specific cups constantly need refilling from us, while others remain full on their own. The most valuable cups are the reciprocal ones, replenishing our pitcher when we pour into them. These cups may represent support groups, self-care practices, professional counseling, and relationships with trusted friends or family. Without reciprocal support, our pitcher runs dry, and we’re left unable to fill anyone else’s cup, including our own. We also spent time reflecting on the first step of Al-Anon, identifying which questions resonated with us the most and how they apply to our journeys.

Welcome to our family support group!

First of all, welcome to any newcomers and welcome back to those who have been part of this group before. It takes courage and vulnerability to show up and share your story with others, and as many of you do every week, it also takes courage and vulnerability to keep showing up.

This week, our discussions centered on topics that group members felt needed more clarity and deeper exploration. One of the key questions raised was: What should we do—and what should we avoid doing—when our loved one is in treatment or at different stages of recovery? Supporting a loved one during this time can be incredibly challenging, especially when our efforts are met with anger or resentment, leaving us feeling like nothing we do is right. It’s important to acknowledge that our loved one may not yet be ready to accept help or may still place blame on us for their struggles.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is step back, give them space, and wait for them to reach out when they are ready. However, this does not mean we should tolerate disrespect. We’re allowed to set boundaries, give ourselves a “timeout,” and focus on our well-being. This conversation naturally led us into the important topics of containment and understanding the difference between enabling and helping.

Tami provided a powerful metaphor to encapsulate this process. She described it as being in a room full of cups—some full, some empty, and others partially filled. You hold the pitcher to fill these cups, but your pitcher must also be refilled to continue pouring into others. Specific cups constantly need refilling from us, while others remain full on their own. The most valuable cups are the reciprocal ones, replenishing our pitcher when we pour into them. These cups may represent support groups, self-care practices, professional counseling, and relationships with trusted friends or family. Without reciprocal support, our pitcher runs dry, and we’re left unable to fill anyone else’s cup, including our own.

We also spent time reflecting on the first step of Al-Anon, identifying which questions resonated with us the most and how they apply to our journeys.

How do I support my loved one in their early recovery?

When a loved one is in the early stages of recovery, it can be challenging to know how best to support them, especially when emotions run high or efforts are met with frustration. Recovery is a deeply personal journey, and everyone experiences it differently, so approaching this time with understanding and care is essential.

Ways to Support Your Loved One

  • Learning more about addiction and recovery can help you better understand what your loved one might be going through. Education can provide insight and allow you to offer meaningful and informed support.
  • Setting gentle boundaries can create a sense of stability for both of you. Clear, respectful limits can ensure your well-being while fostering accountability during recovery.
  • Being there to listen without judgment can make a world of difference. Knowing you’re present and open to hearing their experiences can help.
  • It’s okay to encourage their progress—celebrating small milestones or showing appreciation for the effort they’re putting into their recovery.
  • Remember to prioritize your self-care. Supporting someone in recovery is emotionally demanding, and taking time to recharge—whether through a support group, therapy, or other outlets—helps you stay strong for yourself and your loved one.

What to Be Mindful Of

  • It can feel natural to want to solve problems or take away their struggles, but recovery is a journey they need to navigate on their own. Offering support without stepping in to “fix” things can empower them to take responsibility for their healing.
  • Be careful not to take their recovery personally. It’s easy to feel frustrated or hurt if their responses aren’t what you’d hoped for, but it’s important to remember that their journey is about them and not a reflection of your efforts.
  • Avoid situations that enable old habits, even unintentionally. Setting boundaries around things like money or other forms of support can be challenging sometimes, but it’s an important step for their recovery—and yours.
  • If a relapse occurs, try not to view it as a failure but as a part of the process that many experience. Responding with understanding and encouraging them to re-engage with their recovery plan can help them regain momentum.

Ultimately, offering support from a place of patience and compassion while respecting your boundaries and theirs can create a healthier dynamic for everyone involved. Recovery takes time. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

What does containment mean?

Containment in families with loved ones who have substance use disorders (SUDs) or are in recovery refers to the strategies and dynamics families use to manage the emotional, relational, and systemic challenges associated with addiction and recovery. It involves creating a structured, supportive, and safe environment that fosters healing and accountability while addressing the needs of all family members. Here are some key aspects:

1. Emotional Containment

  • Managing Emotional Responses: Feeling intense emotions such as anger, guilt, fear, or frustration is normal. Emotional containment involves acknowledging these feelings while maintaining composure to avoid escalating conflicts.
  • Providing Stability: A calm and consistent emotional environment helps reduce chaos and provides a sense of security for your loved one in recovery.
  • Seeking Support: Therapy or support groups (e.g., Al-Anon) can help you process your emotions and learn healthy coping mechanisms.

2. Relational Containment

  • Setting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is essential to prevent enabling behaviors and to encourage accountability. For example, you might set rules about substance use in the home or financial support. This can be done with a family agreement.
  • Encouraging Open Communication: Honest and respectful communication fosters trust and understanding, reducing misunderstandings and resentment.
  • Balancing Support and Independence: Find the balance between offering support and allowing your loved one to take responsibility for their recovery journey.

3. Systemic Containment

  • Creating Structure: Implement routines and systems that promote stability, such as regular family meetings or designated times for discussing recovery progress.
  • Accessing Resources: Engaging with community resources, such as recovery coaches, family therapy, or peer support programs, can provide additional layers of containment and guidance.
  • Addressing Systemic Barriers: You may need to advocate for your loved one’s access to treatment, housing, or employment opportunities.

4. Challenges in Containment

  • Relapse: Relapse is a common part of recovery, as well as navigating the emotional and practical challenges it brings while maintaining containment.
  • Codependency: You may struggle with codependent behaviors, where your well-being becomes overly tied to your loved one’s recovery.
  • Intergenerational Patterns: Substance use disorders can perpetuate cycles of trauma and dysfunction within families, making containment efforts more complex.

5. Benefits of Containment

  • Improved Recovery Outcomes: A supportive and structured family environment can enhance the effectiveness of treatment and reduce the risk of relapse.
  • Strengthened Relationships: Containment fosters healthier family dynamics, rebuilding trust and connection.
  • Emotional Resilience: Your family develops greater emotional resilience and coping skills, benefiting all members.

Containment is not about control but about creating a safe and supportive space for recovery while addressing the needs of the entire family system.

Pouring from an empty cup

The concept of “pouring from an empty cup” is a powerful metaphor that highlights the importance of self-care, especially for family members supporting loved ones with substance use disorders (SUDs). It emphasizes that you cannot effectively care for others if you neglect your well-being. Here’s how this idea applies to families navigating the challenges of addiction and recovery:

What Does “Pouring from an Empty Cup” Mean?

  • The “cup” represents your emotional, physical, and mental energy. When your cup is full, you can provide support, love, and care to others. However, if your cup is empty—due to stress, burnout, or neglecting self-care—you may struggle to offer meaningful support and risk harming your health.

Why Self-Care is Essential for Family Members

  1. Preventing Burnout:
    • Supporting a loved one with SUDs can be emotionally and physically draining. Without self-care, you may experience exhaustion, resentment, or even health issues, making it harder to be present for your loved one.
  2. Modeling Healthy Behaviors:
    • By prioritizing your well-being, you demonstrate the importance of self-care and boundaries, which can inspire your loved one to adopt healthier habits.
  3. Maintaining Perspective:
    • Taking time for yourself allows you to step back, process emotions, and approach challenges with a clearer mind and greater patience.

How to Refill Your Cup

  1. Engage in Self-Care:
    • Prioritize activities that replenish your energy, such as exercise, meditation, journaling, or hobbies that bring you joy.
    • Ensure you get enough sleep, eat well, and stay physically active.
  2. Seek Support:
    • Join support groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, where you can connect with others who understand your experiences.
    • Consider therapy or counseling to process your emotions and gain tools for coping.
  3. Set Boundaries:
    • Establish clear limits to protect your well-being, such as saying “no” to enabling behaviors or taking breaks when needed.
    • Boundaries help create a healthier dynamic and prevent you from overextending yourself.
  4. Cultivate Reciprocal Relationships:
    • Spend time with people who uplift and support you. These relationships can help refill your emotional reserves and provide a sense of balance.
  5. Practice Mindfulness:
    • Focus on the present moment rather than worrying about the past or future. Mindfulness can reduce stress and help you stay grounded.

Challenges of an Empty Cup

  • Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly giving without replenishing can lead to feelings of hopelessness or frustration.
  • Codependency: Neglecting your needs to focus solely on your loved one’s recovery can create unhealthy dynamics and hinder both your growth and theirs.
  • Reduced Effectiveness: When you’re running on empty, your ability to provide meaningful support diminishes, which can strain relationships.

The Bigger Picture

Supporting a loved one with SUDs is a marathon, not a sprint. By taking care of yourself, you ensure you have the strength and resilience to navigate the ups and downs of their recovery journey. Remember, self-care is not selfish—it’s a necessary foundation for being the best version of yourself, both for your loved one and for yourself.

If you’d like, I can provide specific self-care strategies or resources tailored to your situation! Let me know how I can help.

Taking a closer look at Al-Anon step one

Step One of Al-Anon, as outlined in Paths to Recovery, serves as the essential starting point for individuals seeking support and healing from the effects of a loved one’s alcoholism. It focuses on recognizing personal limitations, letting go of control, and redirecting efforts toward self-care and personal growth. Here’s more context and insight into this important step:

The Core of Step One

  • Powerlessness Over Alcohol: Step One emphasizes that you cannot control your loved one’s drinking or behavior. Accepting this truth is the foundation for change, allowing you to redirect your focus away from fixing or controlling others.
  • Unmanageability: Admitting that your life has become unmanageable is a humbling yet empowering step for individuals, as it acknowledges the chaos that can arise from being overly enmeshed in someone else’s struggles.

Personal Reflection and Growth

Step One invites you to explore your patterns of behavior and emotional responses through a series of reflective questions (as included in Paths to Recovery). These questions encourage self-awareness and help you identify how you’ve been trying to control the uncontrollable or neglecting your well-being. Key reflections include:

  • Recognizing attempts to change others and the consequences of those efforts.
  • Examining how shame, embarrassment, or excessive responsibility for others impacts their lives.
  • Understanding the difference between healthy support and enabling behaviors.

Key Insights From the Questions

  • Control vs. Support: By acknowledging the futility of trying to control another’s behavior, you can focus instead on providing compassionate but healthy support.
  • Shifting Responsibility: Step One helps you release feelings of responsibility for your loved one’s drinking, fostering a mindset that prioritizes accountability on both sides.
  • Self-Care and Boundaries: The questions highlight the importance of saying “no” when necessary, caring for yourself, and maintaining boundaries to avoid emotional burnout.

Practical Applications

  1. Recognizing Patterns:
    • Step One encourages you to identify behaviors such as enabling, rescuing, or sacrificing your needs to “fix” your loved one.
    • Example: If you routinely bails you loved one out of financial troubles caused by drinking, youmight reflect on how this impacts both parties and consider a healthier approach.
  2. Letting Go:
    • You will work on relinquishing your attachment to outcomes, learning to let your loved one face the consequences of their actions while focusing on your growth.
  3. Seeking Support:
    • Connecting with others through Al-Anon meetings offers a safe space to share experiences and gain perspective from those facing similar challenges.
  4. Self-Awareness:
    • This step encourages you to assess how you react to crises, your self-care practices, and whether you seek validation from others instead of nurturing yourself.

Metaphors to Illustrate Step One

A powerful metaphor that resonates with this step is releasing a tight grip. Imagine holding onto a rope and pulling with all your strength to control the direction—it’s exhausting and painful. Step One is about loosening your grip, finding relief, and understanding that control isn’t the solution.

How Step One Lays the Foundation

Step One is not about giving up hope for a loved one’s recovery but about realizing that hope doesn’t depend on controlling their actions. Instead, it shifts the focus inward, empowering you to reclaim peace and manage your life despite your challenges.

This step is both a turning point and a continuous practice, as letting go of control is ongoing. It sets the stage for deeper self-reflection and healing, which will be addressed in the subsequent steps.

Questions for self-reflection

Working Step One – From The Paths to Recovery (pp 15-17)

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Each of us is free to create our own solutions using the experience, strength and hope of those who have gone before us. The following questions for self-study or group study may help you with Step One. As you work each step, remember to appreciate yourself for the effort. Call a friend or sponsor and share your success, too.

  1. Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
  2. How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
  3. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with the drinker?
  4. How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
  5. What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
  6. How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
  7. What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
  8. How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
  9. Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
  10. In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
  11. In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
  12. What brought me into Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
  13. Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My Children? Give examples.
  14. How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
  15. How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
  16. Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
  17. Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
  18. How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
  19. How well do I take care of myself?
  20. How do I feel when I’m alone?
  21. What is the difference between love and pity?
  22. Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
  23. Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

Final Thoughts

Supporting a loved one in recovery, particularly in the early stages, is a journey that requires patience, compassion, and self-awareness. By focusing on education, setting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care, you can create an environment that fosters healing for your loved one and yourself. Remember, recovery is not a straight path but a process with challenges and victories throughout.

Containment plays a vital role in this process, offering a structure that balances support and accountability while addressing the emotional and relational dynamics within the family. It’s important to remember that containment is not about control but cultivating a safe, respectful, and supportive space for everyone involved.

Step One of Al-Anon further reinforces the importance of recognizing what you can and cannot control. By letting go of the need to fix or manage your loved one’s recovery, you empower yourself to focus on your growth and well-being while encouraging them to take responsibility for their healing.

The recovery journey is ultimately shared, but individual growth and self-care remain at its heart. You can support your loved one through understanding, boundary-setting, and reflection while nurturing your resilience and peace. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint—and every step taken with compassion brings you closer to lasting change for everyone involved.

Related Resources

Our Articles

Media

Addict in the House: A No-Nonsense Family Guide Through Addiction and Recovery
 in Books
Adult Children of Alcoholics
 in Books
Al Anon Faces Alcoholism
 in Books
Al-Anon Newcomers
 in Documents
Alateen – Hope for Children of Alcoholics
 in Books
Am I helping, or enabling?
 in Documents
Anger Iceberg
 in Documents
Bill Moyers Close to Home
 in Watch
Codependency and Family Rules
 in Books
Codependent No More
 in Books
Coping Skills for Anger
 in Documents
Detachment
 in Documents
Everything Changes: Help for Families of Newly Recovering Addicts
 in Books
Family Roles in Addiction
 in Documents
How Al-Anon Works for Family & Friends
 in Books
Maintaining Personal Boundaries
 in Documents
Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics
 in Books
Resentment…..The Pain that Keeps on Giving
 in Documents
Setting Strong Boundaries
 in Documents
Stigma of Addiction
 in Watch
The Cycle of Guilt and Shame
 in Documents
The Disease of Addiction
 in Documents
The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the One you Love
 in Books
The Parallel Process: Growing Alongside Your Adolescent or Young Adult Child in Treatment
 in Books
Understanding Boundaries
 in Documents

Web

Al-Anon Family Groups
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)
Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation
Helping Families Help – CRAFT Groups
Hopestream Community
National Association for Children of Alcoholics
National Institute On Drug Abuse
Northwest Buddhist Recovery
PAL: Parents of Addicted Loved Ones
Recovery Dharma
Refuge Recovery
Sisu Healing Partners – CRAFT Group
SMART Recovery for Marijuana Addiction