“Trust is not simply about believing someone’s words; it’s about relying on their actions.”

- J. M. Falkner

This week’s meeting topic was about regaining trust. We discussed the challenges of learning to trust our loved ones again after they lied to us for days, months, and even years. Also, we have to learn to trust ourselves again and learn to trust the process of our loved ones and our recovery journey. Often, we continue to carry resentment and anger toward our loved ones and ourselves without even realizing those feelings are there. Before we begin to rebuild the relationships and broken trust, we must learn to let go of the resentment and anger through communication, setting healthy boundaries, eliminating shame, and allowing our loved ones to experience the natural consequences of their actions.

The challenges of rebuilding trust with our loved ones:

Rebuilding trust is challenging because it involves repairing a core aspect of relationships that has been damaged. Trust is built on consistent, positive interactions over time, and when it’s broken, it shakes the foundation of mutual respect and reliability. Here are a few reasons it’s challenging:

  • Past Hurts: Previous betrayals or disappointments make it hard for individuals to let go and open up again.
  • Fear of Recurrence: There’s often a lingering fear that the same issues will happen again, making it difficult to trust someone entirely.
  • Vulnerability: Trust requires vulnerability, and after being hurt, people are naturally more guarded and protective of themselves.
  • Consistency: Rebuilding trust demands consistent, trustworthy behavior over time, which can be challenging to maintain, especially if underlying issues exist.
  • Communication: Effective, honest communication is essential but can be hard to achieve, especially if both parties are defensive or wary.
  • Emotional Investment: Trust is deeply tied to our emotions, and healing emotional wounds takes time and genuine effort.

Trust is a fragile but vital element in any relationship, and rebuilding it is a gradual process that requires patience, empathy, and consistent positive actions.

Rebuilding trust with our loved ones:

Rebuilding trust between family members and their loved ones with a substance use disorder (SUD) is a challenging but essential part of the recovery process. Here are some key points:

Transparency and Honesty

  • Open Communication: Encourage honest and open communication about feelings, concerns, and experiences. This helps to break down barriers and rebuild trust.
  • Consistency: Consistent behavior and actions are crucial. Reliability in keeping promises and commitments can help rebuild trust over time.

Support and Understanding

  • Empathy: Show empathy and understanding for your loved one’s struggles. This can help them feel supported and less judged.
  • Education: Educate yourself about SUD and its effects. Understanding the nature of addiction can foster empathy and patience.

Boundaries and Accountability

  • Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect your own well-being while supporting your loved one. Boundaries help create a safe environment for both parties.
  • Accountability: Encourage your loved one to take responsibility for their actions and recovery. Accountability is a key component of rebuilding trust.

Professional Support

  • Therapy and Counseling: Family therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to address issues and work on rebuilding trust. A professional can guide the process and offer strategies for effective communication.
  • Support Groups: Joining support groups for families of individuals with SUD can provide additional support and insights from others in similar situations.

Patience and Time

  • Rebuilding Trust Takes Time: Trust is rebuilt over time. It requires patience, understanding, and consistent effort from both parties.
  • Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate small victories and progress in the recovery journey. This can help reinforce positive changes and build trust.

Self-Care for Family Members

  • Prioritize Self-Care: It’s important for family members to take care of their own mental and emotional health. This can help them stay strong and supportive throughout the recovery process.
  • Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek support for yourself, whether through therapy, support groups, or other resources.

Rebuilding trust is a gradual process that requires effort from the individual in recovery and their family members. With patience, understanding, and professional support, it is possible to rebuild a strong, trusting relationship.

The challenges of rebuilding trust with ourselves:

Rebuilding self-trust can be incredibly tough for family members affected by a loved one’s substance use disorder. They’ve often faced intense stress, doubt, and emotional pain. They might question their decisions, feel guilt for not “fixing” things sooner, or blame themselves for the outcomes. All these factors erode their confidence in their judgment and instincts.

Rebuilding self-trust involves acknowledging these feelings and recognizing that they did the best they could under difficult circumstances. It’s about understanding that they can learn, grow, and make better choices. Seeking support, whether through therapy or support groups, can also help in this process. It’s a journey, but with patience and compassion, self-trust can be rebuilt.

Rebuilding self-trust for family members of someone with a substance use disorder is a process that involves several key steps:

Self-Compassion

  • Forgive Yourself: Understand that you did the best you could under difficult circumstances. Self-forgiveness is essential to move forward.
  • Acknowledge Efforts: Recognize and celebrate your efforts, no matter how small, in supporting your loved one and yourself.

Educate Yourself

  • Learn About Addiction: Gaining knowledge about substance use disorders can help you understand that it’s a complex issue and not a result of personal failings.
  • Understand Relapse and Recovery: Accept that relapse can be a part of the recovery process, and it’s not a reflection of your support’s ineffectiveness.

Reflect on Strengths

  • Identify Past Successes: Reflect on times when you successfully managed challenges. This can remind you of your resilience and capabilities.
  • Use Positive Affirmations: Reinforce your strengths and positive qualities through affirmations.

Set Realistic Expectations

  • Avoid Perfectionism: Understand that perfection is not the goal. Aim for progress and growth instead.
  • Small Steps: Set small, achievable goals to rebuild your confidence gradually.

Seek Support

  • Professional Help: Therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and rebuild self-trust.
  • Support Groups: Joining groups for families of individuals with substance use disorders can offer shared experiences and mutual support.

Practice Self-Care

  • Prioritize Well-Being: Engage in activities promoting mental, emotional, and physical health.
  • Mindfulness and Meditation: Practices like mindfulness and meditation can help you stay grounded and improve your self-awareness.

Build Boundaries

  • Establish Boundaries: Healthy boundaries can protect your well-being and foster mutual respect in relationships.
  • Communicate Clearly: Clear communication about your needs and limits helps maintain these boundaries.

Celebrate Progress

  • Acknowledge Growth: Regularly recognize and celebrate your progress in rebuilding self-trust.
  • Stay Patient: Trust-building is a gradual process that requires patience and persistence.

By taking these steps, family members can gradually rebuild their trust in themselves, fostering a stronger sense of self-worth and resilience. Remember, this journey is about progress, not perfection.

The difference between shame and guilt:

Shame and guilt are both emotions related to our sense of self and actions, but they differ in focus and impact:

  • Guilt: This is the feeling you get when you’ve done something wrong or violated your own moral code. It’s about actions—what you did. For example, “I feel guilty because I lied.”
  • Shame: This is deeper and more personal. It’s about your sense of self and identity—who you are. For example, “I feel ashamed because I’m a liar.”

Guilt can motivate you to make amends and change behavior, while shame can be more debilitating, leading to feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Understanding the difference is crucial for self-compassion and personal growth.

Related Resources

Our Articles

External Articles

Media

12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: Getting Your Recovery Unstuck
 in Books
Addict in the House: A No-Nonsense Family Guide Through Addiction and Recovery
 in Books
Anger Iceberg
 in Documents
Am I helping, or enabling?
 in Documents
Codependency and Family Rules
 in Books
Codependent No More
 in Books
Detachment
 in Documents
Maintaining Personal Boundaries
 in Documents
Regaining Trust
 in Documents
The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the One you Love
 in Books
What is Codependency?
 in Documents

Web

Al-Anon Family Groups
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)
Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation
Helping Families Help – CRAFT Groups
Hope Stream
PAL: Parents of Addicted Loved Ones
Sisu Healing Partners – CRAFT Group