“Boundary setting helps you prioritize your needs over other people’s wants."

- Lauren Kenson

Welcome to our family support group! Welcome, everyone—whether you’re joining us for the first time or returning to this space, we're grateful to have you here. It takes courage and vulnerability to show up and share your journey, and just as many of you do each week, it takes just as much bravery to keep showing up. Your presence matters. This week, we explored how families navigate setting boundaries with loved ones struggling with addiction. Setting boundaries with anyone is difficult, but it can feel especially complicated when it involves someone we deeply care about. It’s natural to feel conflicted—boundaries may seem like control, and loved ones might resist them. However, boundaries are not about restriction; they create necessary structure, preventing addiction’s emotional and physical toll from overwhelming us. Allowing loved ones to experience the natural consequences of their choices opens doors to growth and accountability—two of the most powerful motivators for real change.

Why boundaries are important

When your loved one struggles with addiction, their behaviors and emotions can be unpredictable, intense, or even manipulative. You often feel torn between offering help and protecting their emotional well-being. Boundaries are a framework for how much support to give, when to step back, and how to prevent enabling harmful behavior.

Boundary types and their impact

Rigid Boundaries – Self-Protection at a Distance

People with rigid boundaries may emotionally or physically distance themselves as a way to cope. This can look like:

  • Avoiding conversations about addiction/mental health
  • Refusing to acknowledge emotions or struggles
  • Keeping interactions strictly functional (i.e., logistics-only communication)

While self-protection is valid, extreme rigidity can make it hard to foster trust or connection. Your loved one, who is struggling, may feel abandoned instead of supported.

Lack of Boundaries – Over-Involvement & Codependency

On the other end, having no boundaries leads to feeling emotionally drained, being responsible for fixing their problems, and struggling to say “no.” Examples include:

  • Constantly bailing them out (financially, legally, or emotionally)
  • Ignoring personal needs to focus entirely on their struggles
  • Feeling guilty when setting limits or asserting independence

This can result in codependency, where your identity and emotional state become overly tied to your loved one’s addiction.

Partial Boundaries – Inconsistency & Emotional Conflict

This is when boundaries fluctuate—strong in some situations, fragile in others. This looks like:

  • Setting a boundary but failing to enforce it (“I won’t give them money” → gives money when they plead)
  • Expressing concerns but avoiding direct confrontation
  • Being emotionally present one moment, withdrawn the next

This inconsistency creates uncertainty for both sides, making it hard to build trust or establish a stable support system.

Healthy Boundaries – Balanced Support Without Losing Yourself

Healthy boundaries allow for compassion without sacrificing personal well-being. Key signs:

  • Offering help when appropriate, but not enabling destructive behavior
  • Prioritizing your own mental and emotional health
  • Communicating expectations clearly while respecting their autonomy
  • Understanding that their recovery is their responsibility, not yours

This is the ideal balance—providing love and support while protecting yourself.

Overcoming challenges in setting boundaries

Overcoming boundary challenges when supporting your loved one with addiction struggles requires intentional effort, self-awareness, and often, outside support. Here’s how you can start making positive changes:

Recognize the Patterns

The first step is identifying which boundary challenges exist. Ask yourself:

  • Am I withdrawing too much (rigid boundaries)?
  • Am I losing myself in their needs (lack of boundaries)?
  • Am I inconsistent in my responses (partial boundaries)?

Self-reflection helps you see where adjustments are needed.

Shift from Guilt to Self-Preservation

Many family members feel guilty for setting boundaries, fearing it means abandoning their loved one. But boundaries are not rejection—they’re protection.

  • Instead of “I must fix them,” shift to “I can support them without sacrificing my well-being.”
  • Instead of “If I set limits, I’m being mean,” shift to “Healthy relationships require mutual respect.”

Set Clear, Compassionate Limits

Boundaries must be direct and enforceable. Instead of vague statements like “You need to stop drinking,” try:

  • “I won’t lend money if it’s being used for substances.”
  • “I’m here to talk, but I won’t engage in arguments.”
  • “I’ll support your recovery efforts, but I won’t participate in destructive behavior.”

This reinforces love without enabling harmful choices.

Strengthen Emotional Resilience

Supporting someone through addiction can be emotionally exhausting. Family members should:

  • Prioritize self-care: Therapy, journaling, exercise, hobbies.
  • Establish personal time: Prevent burnout by setting aside space for yourself.
  • Lean on support groups: Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or family counseling can be invaluable.

Let Go of the Illusion of Control

A hard truth: You cannot force recovery. Their healing is their responsibility.

  • Shift from control to encouragement—guide without dictating.
  • Accept that setbacks happen, but boundaries must remain firm.
  • Focus on what you can control—your responses, emotional health, and well-being.

Rebuild Trust & Connection

Once healthy boundaries are in place, relationships can slowly heal.

  • Communicate openly and honestly.
  • Offer love without enabling destructive behavior.
  • Celebrate small victories—acknowledge progress when it happens.

Understanding the psychological impact on families

When your loved one struggles with addiction, you often experience emotional distress, including:

  • Guilt & Self-Blame – Feeling responsible for their recovery or wondering if past actions contributed to their struggles.
  • Fear & Anxiety – Worrying about relapses, health complications, or potential crises.
  • Exhaustion & Burnout – Constantly trying to help, but feeling emotionally depleted.
  • Resentment & Frustration – Feeling unappreciated or trapped in an unhealthy dynamic.

These emotions can make boundary-setting difficult, but it is necessary for maintaining personal well-being.

The role of codependency

Codependency occurs when a person’s identity becomes overly tied to taking care of your struggling loved one. Signs of codependency include:

  • Prioritizing their needs over your own.
  • Difficulty saying “no” out of fear of abandonment.
  • Feeling like their sobriety or healing is your responsibility.
  • Frequent self-sacrifice without receiving support in return.

Breaking free from codependency involves recognizing unhealthy patterns, seeking support, and focusing on self-care.

Navigating tough conversations

If you need to establish boundaries or talk to your loved one about their addiction or mental health struggles, consider:

  • Being clear & direct – Avoid vague expectations; state boundaries firmly.
  • Using “I” statements – Instead of accusations, focus on your feelings (“I feel hurt when…”).
  • Avoiding debates & defensiveness – Stay calm and stick to your message.
  • Preparing for pushback – They may resist your boundaries, but maintaining them is essential.

Finding support for yourself

Family members often neglect their well-being while supporting a loved one with addiction. Seeking support for yourself is just as important as helping them:

  • Therapy & counseling – Professional guidance can help process emotions and set effective boundaries.
  • Support groups – Organizations like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or Families Anonymous provide community support.
  • Education – Learning about addiction & mental health disorders can help you understand what your loved one is going through.
  • Self-care practices – Exercise, journaling, hobbies, and social connection can help prevent burnout.

Final Thoughts

Setting boundaries with a loved one struggling with addiction or mental health challenges is not an act of rejection—it is an act of self-preservation and love. Boundaries protect your emotional well-being while allowing your loved one to experience the realities of their choices. Whether you’ve struggled with rigid, partial, or nonexistent boundaries, growth comes from recognizing patterns and making intentional changes.

By shifting from guilt to self-care, establishing clear expectations, and letting go of the illusion of control, you can reclaim your right to emotional peace while offering support. Healing is a journey—not just for your loved one but also for you. Balancing support and self-respect can strengthen relationships, deepen trust, and strengthen connections.

Most importantly, remember: You are not alone. Support systems, resources, and professionals are available to help guide you through this process. Setting boundaries is hard, but it’s also one of the most compassionate steps you can take for yourself and your loved one.

Related Resources

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Addiction
 in Watch
Adult Children of Alcoholics
 in Books
Al Anon Faces Alcoholism
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Al-Anon Newcomers
 in Documents
Alateen – Hope for Children of Alcoholics
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Am I helping, or enabling?
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Bill Moyers Close to Home
 in Watch
Beautiful Boy
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Codependency and Family Rules
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Codependent No More
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Description of Boundaries
 in Documents
Description of Enabling
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Family Roles in Addiction
 in Documents
Everything Changes: Help for Families of Newly Recovering Addicts
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Maintaining Personal Boundaries
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Patterns In Codependency
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Progression of Addiction in the Family
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Regaining Trust
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Resentment…..The Pain that Keeps on Giving
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Restoration Through Forgiveness
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Setting Strong Boundaries
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The Body Keeps the Score
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The Cycle of Guilt and Shame
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The Disease of Addiction
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The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the One you Love
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The New Codependency; Help & Guidance for Today’s Generation
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Understanding Boundaries
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Al-Anon Family Groups
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)
Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation
Helping Families Help – CRAFT Groups
Hopestream Community
National Association for Children of Alcoholics
National Institute On Drug Abuse
Northwest Buddhist Recovery
PAL: Parents of Addicted Loved Ones
Recovery Dharma
Refuge Recovery
Sisu Healing Partners – CRAFT Group
SMART Recovery for Marijuana Addiction