“Addiction, at its worst, is akin to having Stockholm Syndrome. You’re like a hostage who has developed an irrational affection for your captor. They can abuse you, torture you, even threaten to kill you, and you’ll remain inexplicably and disturbingly loyal."

- Anne Clendening

Welcome to our family support group! Welcome, everyone—whether you’re joining us for the first time or returning to this space, we're grateful to have you here. It takes courage and vulnerability to show up and share your journey, and just as many of you do each week, it takes just as much bravery to keep showing up. Your presence matters. This week, we discussed how using substances and behaviors provides a way to cope and meet a need for your loved one, even when they experience negative consequences. The effect that substances have on your loved one’s behavior and state of mind is quickly noticeable to them, and this reinforces the habit and reason to use substances. We looked at two different lists. One list prompted us to think about the things we want and need in our lives to give a sense of belonging and relief from negative feelings and thoughts. All of the items on the list are basic human desires, and each one of us has experienced one or multiple feelings on the list at one time or another in our lives. Then we looked at essentially the same list from the point of view of our loved one and their substance use disorder or addiction. Substances provide the same relief that we seek when trying to cope with the feelings and wants on our list. Substance use isn’t just about addiction; it’s about meeting needs in a way that feels effective, even when the long-term consequences are harmful. Your loved one may not be using substances to rebel or self-destruct—they may be using them to feel normal, escape pain, or connect with others. By understanding the benefits of various substances, we can shift from frustration to compassion. This perspective allows us to explore healthier ways to meet those same needs—ways that don’t rely on substances but still provide relief, connection, and fulfillment.

Why our loved ones continue using substances despite negative consequences

Changes in Brain Chemistry:

  • Substance use rewires the brain’s reward system, making it prioritize drug or alcohol use over natural rewards.
  • Dopamine release reinforces substance use, creating a cycle of seeking and consumption despite adverse consequences.
  • The prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making and impulse control, becomes impaired, making it harder to stop using.

Reinforcement Learning and Habit Formation:

  • Our loved ones with substance use disorders struggle to learn from negative consequences, making it harder to change behaviors.
  • The brain associates substance use with relief and pleasure, reinforcing the habit even when it leads to harm.
  • Over time, the cycle of use becomes automatic, making it extremely difficult to stop without intervention.

Physical and Psychological Dependence:

  • The body adapts to the presence of substances, leading to withdrawal symptoms when stopping.
  • Psychological dependence creates intense cravings and compulsive behaviors that drive continued use.
  • Substances like opioids and alcohol cause severe withdrawal symptoms, increasing the likelihood of relapse.

Social and Environmental Influences:

  • Peer pressure, stress, trauma, and environmental cues reinforce substance use.
  • Our loved ones use substances as a coping mechanism, even when they recognize the harm they cause.
  • Early exposure to substance use and social acceptance can normalize and encourage continued use.

The Disease Model of Addiction:

  • Addiction is considered a chronic brain disease rather than a simple choice.
  • The brain undergoes structural and functional changes that make stopping substance use extremely difficult.
  • Effective treatment often requires a combination of medical and behavioral interventions, including therapy, medication, and social support.

Understanding why your loved one uses substances

Substance use is often a way for your loved ones to cope with emotional, physical, or social struggles. Instead of seeing addiction as simply a bad habit or a moral failing, it helps to recognize that your loved one may be using substances to:

  • Escape emotional pain (such as anxiety, depression, or trauma).
  • Manage physical discomfort (chronic pain, fatigue, or illness).
  • Feel connected (social anxiety, loneliness, or a desire to fit in).
  • Boost confidence (self-esteem issues, fear of failure).

Example: Sarah’s son, Jake, started drinking heavily after losing his job. He felt like a failure and used alcohol to numb his feelings of shame and disappointment. Instead of reacting with anger, Sarah learned to approach Jake with compassion, helping him find healthier ways to rebuild his confidence.

Recognizing triggers and patterns

Triggers are situations, emotions, or environments that lead to substance use. Helping your loved one identify their triggers can be a crucial step toward recovery. Common triggers include:

  • Emotional triggers: Stress, sadness, anger, loneliness.
  • Environmental triggers: Certain places, people, or events associated with substance use.
  • Physical triggers: Pain, fatigue, withdrawal symptoms.

Example: Mark noticed that his brother, Alex, always drank excessively after family gatherings. After discussing it, Alex realized that being around certain relatives triggered feelings of inadequacy. Mark helped Alex set boundaries and find healthier ways to cope, like attending therapy.

Setting healthy boundaries

Boundaries are not about controlling your loved one—they are about protecting your emotional well-being. Without boundaries, family members can become emotionally drained, resentful, or unintentionally enabling.

Examples of healthy boundaries:

  • “I will support your recovery, but I won’t support substance use.”
  • “I won’t give you money, but I will help you find resources for treatment.”
  • “I will not tolerate abusive behavior, but I will always be here when you’re ready to seek help.”

Example: Lisa’s husband, Tom, struggled with opioid addiction. He frequently asked her for money, claiming it was for bills. Lisa set a boundary: she would help with groceries but wouldn’t give cash. This prevented her from enabling his addiction while still offering support.

Communicating with care

Effective communication can strengthen relationships and encourage your loved one to seek the help they need. Here are some key strategies:

  • Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements to avoid blame.
    • Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
    • Try: “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard.”
  • Validate their feelings without condoning substance use.
    • Example: “I understand that you’re struggling, and I want to help you find healthier ways to cope.”
  • Encourage open dialogue by creating a safe space for honest conversations.

Example: Maria’s daughter, Emily, was defensive whenever Maria brought up her drinking. Instead of accusing Emily, Maria started saying, “I worry about you when I see you drinking so much. I love you and want to help.” This softened Emily’s response and opened the door for conversation.

Navigating relapse and recovery

Relapse is not failure—it’s a part of the recovery journey. Many people relapse before achieving long-term sobriety. Families can help by:

  • Encouraging treatment instead of reacting with anger.
  • Recognizing progress, even small steps.
  • Providing emotional support while maintaining firm boundaries.

Example: David’s sister, Rachel, had been sober for six months but relapsed after a stressful breakup. Instead of shaming her, David reminded her of how far she had come and encouraged her to return to therapy. Rachel felt supported rather than judged, which made it easier for her to recommit to her recovery.

Taking care of yourself

Addiction affects the entire family, and your mental and emotional health matters too. Prioritizing self-care is essential.

Ways to take care of yourself:

  • Join support groups (Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Families Anonymous) for guidance and shared experiences.
  • Seek therapy to process your emotions and set healthy boundaries.
  • Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.

Example: James spent years worrying about his son’s heroin addiction. He realized that he was neglecting his mental health. He joined a support group for parents, where he learned to set boundaries and prioritize his well-being while still supporting his son.

Final Thoughts

It’s essential to recognize that addiction is not simply about substances—it’s about what those substances provide for your loved one. Whether they are seeking relief from anxiety, a sense of connection, or an escape from pain, their substance use serves a purpose—even when the consequences are harmful.

Understanding this does not excuse the behavior, but it does explain it. When we shift our perspective from frustration to compassion, we open the door to supporting recovery in a way that addresses the deeper needs driving substance use.

Recovery is a journey—one that requires patience, resilience, and support. By setting healthy boundaries, improving communication, and taking care of yourself, you can contribute to your loved one’s healing while protecting your well-being.

The path to recovery isn’t always straightforward, but every step—no matter how small—matters. Your love, understanding, and commitment to growth make a difference, not just for your loved one but for your entire family.

Related Resources

Our Articles

Media

12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: Getting Your Recovery Unstuck
 in Books
Addict in the House: A No-Nonsense Family Guide Through Addiction and Recovery
 in Books
Adult Children of Alcoholics
 in Books
Al Anon Faces Alcoholism
 in Books
Al-Anon Newcomers
 in Documents
Alateen – Hope for Children of Alcoholics
 in Books
Am I helping, or enabling?
 in Documents
Anger Iceberg
 in Documents
Behaviors Make Sense
 in Documents
Codependency and Family Rules
 in Books
Codependent No More
 in Books
Coping Skills for Anger
 in Documents
Broken
 in Books
Bill Moyers Close to Home
 in Watch
Detaching with Love and Openheartedness
 in Documents
Detachment
 in Documents
Everything Changes: Help for Families of Newly Recovering Addicts
 in Books
Family Roles in Addiction
 in Documents
Healthy Boundaries and Codependent Extremes
 in Documents
In Depth Family Roles in Addiction
 in Documents
Love Over Addiction
 in Podcasts
Maintaining Personal Boundaries
 in Documents
Patterns In Codependency
 in Documents
Progression of Addiction in the Family
 in Documents
Regaining Trust
 in Documents
Resentment…..The Pain that Keeps on Giving
 in Documents
Restoration Through Forgiveness
 in Documents
Setting Strong Boundaries
 in Documents
Sober Champs – KEAGAN – Episode 16
 in Podcasts, Watch
Stigma of Addiction
 in Watch
The Body Keeps the Score
 in Books
The Cycle of Guilt and Shame
 in Documents
The Complete Collection: How to ADHD
 in Watch
The Disease of Addiction
 in Documents
The Parallel Process: Growing Alongside Your Adolescent or Young Adult Child in Treatment
 in Books
The Six Stages of Change and Exercises for Change
 in Documents
Understanding Boundaries
 in Documents
Working Through Shame and Guilt
 in Documents

Web

Al-Anon Family Groups
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)
Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation
Helping Families Help – CRAFT Groups
Hopestream Community
Northwest Buddhist Recovery
PAL: Parents of Addicted Loved Ones
Refuge Recovery
Sisu Healing Partners – CRAFT Group
SMART Recovery for Marijuana Addiction
SAMHSA: Mental Health and Substance Use Disorders