“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new."

- Socrates

Welcome to our family support group! Welcome, everyone—whether you’re joining us for the first time or returning to this space, we're grateful to have you here. It takes courage and vulnerability to show up and share your journey, and just as many of you do each week, it takes just as much bravery to keep showing up. Your presence matters. This week, we explored self-defeating behaviors, the six stages of change, and how they shape both our personal recovery journey and our relationships with loved ones struggling with addiction. These patterns often leave us feeling stuck, repeating actions that hold us back. Whether it’s enabling unhealthy dynamics or continuing substance use despite negative consequences, breaking free requires awareness and intentional change. Recovery isn’t just about stopping harmful behaviors—it’s about transforming how we support ourselves and others. The Stages of Change Model helps us make sense of this process, offering a roadmap for growth and healing. By recognizing where we—and those we care about—are in this journey, we gain insight into the challenges ahead and the steps needed to move forward.

Recognizing Self-Defeating Behaviors in Recovery

Self-defeating behaviors are actions that unintentionally prevent healing and growth. These patterns often stem from fear of vulnerability, reluctance to trust the recovery process, fear of change, becoming stuck in our habits and routines, or a deep desire to avoid pain. Instead of helping, they keep us stuck.

Recovery isn’t just about our loved ones overcoming addiction; we also go through our journey, and both sides can engage in self-defeating behaviors that make change harder.

For family members: breaking the cycle of unhealthy support

We may act out of love and concern, but sometimes these behaviors unintentionally prevent real change.

Examples include:

  • Enabling – Protecting our loved one from the consequences of their addiction by covering up for them, providing financial help, or avoiding difficult conversations to “keep the peace.”
  • Denial – Refusing to see the severity of the addiction, convincing ourselves that our loved one will “figure it out,” or dismissing problems instead of addressing them.
  • Avoidance – Hesitating to set boundaries because we fear conflict, rejection, or worsening the relationship.

💡 How to Overcome These Behaviors:

  • Set healthy boundaries – Stop protecting your loved one from natural consequences.
  • Accept reality – Addiction is serious, and avoiding it only delays healing.
  • Seek support for yourself – Recovery groups or therapy can help family members break toxic patterns.

For loved ones struggling with addiction: facing self-sabotage

For our loved ones battling addiction, self-defeating behaviors can keep them trapped in cycles of substance use and emotional distress.

Examples include:

  • Minimization – Downplaying their addiction, believing they “have it under control,” or rationalizing substance use despite clear consequences.
  • Self-isolation: Withdrawing from loved ones out of guilt, shame, or fear of judgment leads to deeper feelings of loneliness and isolation.
  • Fear of failure – Avoiding recovery efforts because they believe they’ll relapse anyway, leading to a loss of motivation before they even begin.

💡 How to Overcome These Behaviors:

  • Acknowledge the problem – Accepting that addiction is a challenge is the first step to overcoming it.
  • Stay connected to support – Surrounding yourself with people encouraging change can reduce isolation and fear.
  • Shift the mindset – Recovery isn’t about perfection; setbacks don’t mean failure.

Understanding the Stages of Change for Family Members and Loved Ones

The Stages of Change Model provides a roadmap for personal healing, transformation, and recovery. We and our loved ones often go through these stages at different times and in different ways. Understanding these phases helps both sides navigate the ups and downs of recovery.

For family members: breaking harmful patterns & creating change

We go through our recovery journey, facing emotional struggles and difficult decisions. We often experience the same stages as our loved ones, but in different ways.

  1. Precontemplation (“I don’t see a problem.”)
  • We deny how addiction impacts our lives.
  • We believe we can fix or control our loved one’s behavior.
  • We may avoid tough conversations to maintain peace.

💡 How to move forward:

  • Educate yourself about addiction and enabling behaviors.
  • Talk to other families going through recovery to gain perspective.
  • Begin reflecting on your role in the dynamic.
  1. Contemplation (“Maybe I need to set boundaries.”)
  • We begin to question enabling behaviors.
  • We feel torn between helping vs. protecting our well-being.
  • We start recognizing patterns of codependency.

💡 How to move forward:

  • Identify small changes that promote healthier interactions.
  • Explore therapy or family support groups.
  • Begin expressing concerns honestly with their loved one.
  1. Preparation (“I need to make a change.”)
  • We recognize the importance of boundaries and self-care.
  • We seek advice on how to shift our role in our loved one’s recovery.
  • We consider taking steps to protect our emotional well-being.

💡 How to move forward:

  • Create clear boundaries and expectations.
  • Find a support network to lean on.
  • Focus on self-care and emotional healing.
  1. Action (“I am actively setting boundaries.”)
  • We stop enabling and allow our loved one to face natural consequences.
  • We prioritize our own emotional needs, reducing stress and guilt.
  • We commit to supporting in a healthier way, without controlling.

💡 How to move forward:

  • Stay firm in boundary-setting while remaining compassionate.
  • Continue seeking professional guidance if needed.
  • Shift from fixing to supporting their loved one’s choices.
  1. Maintenance (“I am sustaining healthy behaviors.”)
  • We maintain boundaries without guilt or fear.
  • We recognize our emotional growth through the process.
  • We understand our loved one’s journey is theirs alone.

💡 How to move forward:

  • Continue self-care and support networks.
  • Allow space for change and emotional growth.
  • Celebrate progress and resilience.
  1. Relapse (“I slipped back into enabling.”) (if it happens)
  • We fall back into old patterns due to worry or guilt.
  • We struggle with detaching emotionally from our loved ones’ choices.
  • We feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty of recovery.

💡 How to move forward:

  • Recognize the slip-up, but don’t dwell on guilt.
  • Recommit to healthy boundaries and emotional self-care.
  • Learn from the experience—each setback builds awareness.

For our loved ones struggling with addiction

Recovery from addiction is not a straight path—it’s a process that involves mental, emotional, and behavioral shifts. The Stages of Change reflect how someone moves from denial to actively changing their life.

  1. Precontemplation (“I don’t have a problem.”)
  • Our loved one does not yet recognize their addiction or its consequences.
  • They may resist conversations about treatment or insist they have control.
  • They often blame others or circumstances instead of acknowledging their role.

💡 How to move forward:

  • We can avoid confrontation and instead plant seeds of awareness.
  • Encourage open discussions without pressure or judgment.
  • Provide information on addiction and recovery in a gentle, supportive way.
  1. Contemplation (“Maybe I need to change.”)
  • Our loved one starts questioning their substance use.
  • They feel conflicted—they acknowledge harm but struggle with fear of change.
  • They may talk about recovery but feel uncertain about taking action.

💡 How to move forward:

  • Offer emotional support and listen without forcing decisions.
  • Encourage small steps, such as talking to a counselor or attending a meeting.
  • Help them explore their reasons for change and what they truly want in life.
  1. Preparation (“I’m ready to take steps.”)
  • Our loved one commits to making a change and explores treatment options.
  • They may reduce substance use or make lifestyle adjustments.
  • They begin setting goals for recovery.

💡 How to move forward:

  • Assist with researching treatment programs, recovery groups, or therapy.
  • Offer practical support without controlling the process.
  • Reinforce hope and encouragement, reminding them that recovery is possible.
  1. Action (“I am actively working on recovery.”)
  • They start attending treatment, therapy, or support groups.
  • They make real behavioral changes, avoiding triggers and harmful environments.
  • They begin rebuilding relationships and healthier coping mechanisms.

💡 How to support:

  • Be a consistent source of encouragement, but respect boundaries.
  • Avoid shaming past mistakes—focus on progress instead.
  • Help them create a relapse prevention plan with coping strategies.
  1. Maintenance (“I am staying committed to my recovery.”)
  • They have established healthy routines, avoiding old habits and triggers.
  • They continue engaging in recovery practices (meetings, therapy, support).
  • They build self-awareness, recognizing emotions and potential challenges.

💡 How to support:

  • Celebrate their successes—big or small.
  • Encourage them to stay involved in the recovery community.
  • Help them strengthen healthy relationships and coping mechanisms.
  1. Relapse (“I slipped, but I’m not giving up.”) (If It Happens)
  • They return to substance use, often feeling guilt, shame, or frustration.
  • They may struggle with self-doubt or fear of disappointing loved ones.
  • They have the choice to either recommit to recovery or withdraw further.

💡 How to support:

  • Avoid blame or anger—relapse is part of the learning process.
  • Encourage them to identify triggers and adjust their recovery plan.
  • Reinforce that progress isn’t erased by setbacks—it’s about learning and growth.

Both our loved ones battling addiction and our families experience the Stages of Change in our way. Healing is a process, not a single moment—it requires patience, self-reflection, and commitment. The more we understand these phases, the more we can move forward together toward lasting recovery.

How Self-Defeating Behaviors Affect Emotional Well-Being

When someone struggles with addiction, pain doesn’t just come from substance use—it’s also rooted in the emotional patterns that fuel denial, avoidance, and self-sabotage. These behaviors create a sense of hopelessness, making meaningful change feel impossible.

For ourselves, watching our loved one suffer can be emotionally exhausting, leading to frustration, resentment, and self-blame. The cycle of addiction doesn’t just trap our loved one—it entangles us, keeping everyone stuck in a loop of unhealthy dynamics.

For our loved ones struggling with addiction

  1. Guilt & shame

Many people carry deep shame about their substance use. This can:

  • Make them feel unworthy of love, support, or recovery.
  • Lead to self-isolation and avoiding help because they believe they don’t deserve it.
  • Increase harmful coping mechanisms, such as further substance use, to numb the guilt.

💡 How to Heal:

  • Recognize that shame doesn’t define who they are—it’s a feeling, not a truth.
  • Talk to supportive people who reinforce self-worth rather than judgment.
  • Engage in self-forgiveness exercises, like writing down affirmations of personal growth.
  1. Fear of failure

The fear of relapse is a significant emotional barrier in recovery. Some individuals avoid even trying to change because they worry they’ll fail. This fear can:

  • Keep them trapped in addiction rather than risk disappointment.
  • Create anxiety and self-doubt about their ability to heal.
  • Reinforce negative thoughts like “I’ll never be able to quit anyway.”

💡 How to Heal:

  • Shift the mindset from perfection to progress—relapse is not failure, but a learning opportunity.
  • Build healthy coping strategies that reduce relapse risks.
  • Stay engaged with support systems, ensuring accountability and encouragement.
  1. Loss of identity

Addiction often takes over every aspect of a person’s life, reshaping their priorities and sense of self. When recovery begins, they may struggle to figure out who they are beyond substance use. This can:

  • Lead to a deep sense of emptiness or uncertainty.
  • Make sobriety feel boring or unfulfilling without the escape of substances.
  • Increase risk of relapse due to emotional instability.

💡 How to Heal:

  • Rediscover passions and hobbies that provide purpose.
  • Seek identity-building activities, like journaling, volunteering, or creative expression.
  • Develop new healthy relationships that reinforce personal growth.

For family members watching their loved one struggle

  1. Frustration & helplessness

We often feel powerless when our loved one is caught in addiction. We may:

  • Experience deep frustration when our efforts don’t lead to change.
  • Blame ourselves for not being able to “fix” the problem.
  • Feel hopeless, wondering if recovery is even possible.

💡 How to heal:

  • Accept that you are not responsible for someone else’s recovery—they must choose it themselves.
  • Set healthy boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
  • Learn about addiction science to gain a clearer perspective on healing.
  1. Exhaustion & burnout

Trying to help or save our loved ones constantly can be mentally draining. We may:

  • Neglect our own needs while focusing entirely on our loved one.
  • Experience chronic stress and anxiety, fearing for our loved one’s safety.
  • Become emotionally exhausted, leading to detachment or resentment.

💡 How to heal:

  • Prioritize self-care, ensuring you have time to recharge.
  • Lean on support groups that offer shared experiences and advice.
  • Take breaks—you deserve moments of peace, even in difficult times.
  1. Resentment & anger

Repeated cycles of addiction and relapse can strain relationships, making us feel:

  • Angry that our loved one continues to make destructive choices.
  • Betrayed, especially when broken promises about sobriety pile up.
  • Emotionally drained, leading to conflicts or withdrawal.

💡 How to heal:

  • Understand that resentment is normal, but holding onto it prevents healing.
  • Process emotions through therapy, journaling, or conversations with trusted people.
  • Recognize that anger comes from hurt, but choosing compassion leads to emotional freedom.

The importance of self-compassion

Self-compassion is crucial for both our loved ones in recovery and ourselves. Without it, emotional distress keeps both sides stuck, making healing harder.

For individuals in recovery:

  • Accept setbacks as part of the process rather than as a failure.
  • Avoid self-punishment—mistakes don’t erase progress.
  • Recognize that they are worthy of healing, love, and support.

For family members:

  • Acknowledge that addiction is not your fault—self-blame prevents healing.
  • Allow ourselves to step back when needed—taking space is healthy.
  • Give ourselves grace and patience as you would for your loved one.

For both:

  • Focus on small wins, rather than expecting instant change.
  • Practice mindfulness, breathing exercises, or self-care routines.
  • Replace self-criticism with kindness, reminding ourselves that healing takes time.

Common Myths & Misconceptions

Recovery is often misunderstood, leading to false beliefs that shape how our loved ones and ourselves approach healing. These misconceptions can create unrealistic expectations, harmful responses, and emotional distress when progress doesn’t happen as quickly or smoothly as hoped.

Myth #1: “Tough love is the only way to help.”

Many families believe that being firm, distant, or even cutting someone off entirely will push them toward recovery. While boundaries are essential, harsh approaches can sometimes lead individuals to feel abandoned and spiral deeper into addiction.

Reality:

  • People struggling with addiction often already feel isolated, ashamed, or rejected—strict “tough love” can intensify those feelings.
  • Completely cutting someone off may lead them to withdraw further, making recovery feel impossible rather than motivating change.
  • Research suggests that compassionate boundaries—where accountability is paired with emotional support—often result in more successful long-term recovery.

Reframing:

  • Instead of punishing, focus on encouraging responsibility and guiding your loved one toward recovery options.
  • Use firm but empathetic language when setting boundaries, such as:
    • “I can’t financially support your addiction, but I am here for you when you decide to seek help.”
  • Tough love doesn’t mean abandonment—it means holding space for change without enabling.
Myth #2: “If They Loved Me, They Would Change”

This myth creates deep emotional pain for us, leading us to believe our loved one’s addiction is a reflection of our relationship rather than a medical and psychological condition.

Reality:

  • Addiction rewires the brain, making decision-making and impulse control incredibly difficult.
  • Love alone does not override the biochemical effects of addiction—this is not about willpower, but about a neurological condition.
  • Our loved ones may deeply care about us, but still struggle to break free from substance use.

Reframing:

  • Instead of seeing addiction as a choice, recognize it as a chronic illness that needs treatment and support.
  • Shift the focus from “They should stop for me” to “How can I encourage healthy, long-term change?”
  • Accept that love is a motivator, but not a cure—professional help, accountability, and recovery efforts are required.
Myth #3: “Once They Get Treatment, Everything Will Be Fine”

Many people expect that completing rehab or detox means someone is permanently healed. However, recovery is a lifelong process requiring continuous effort.

Reality:

  • Treatment is only the beginning—aftercare, relapse prevention, and lifestyle changes are necessary for long-term success.
  • Our loved ones may struggle with mental health issues, trauma, and life stressors even after achieving sobriety.
  • Recovery involves rebuilding habits, trust, and emotional resilience, which can take months or years.

Reframing:

  • Approach recovery as a journey, not a single event—progress happens over time.
  • Recognize that setbacks (including relapse) do not mean failure but opportunities for learning and adjustment.
  • Stay actively engaged in support systems, encouraging ongoing therapy, meetings, and healthy routines.

💡 How families can shift their perspective

Shifting the way we approach addiction can make a significant difference in how we support our loved ones without losing ourselves in the process.

  • Focus on progress rather than perfection – Every small step counts, even if there are setbacks.
  • Recognize that recovery is a shared journey – We and our loved ones need healing and support.
  • Replace frustration with understanding – Learning about addiction science and behavioral change helps us engage with recovery more effectively.

Breaking these myths and approaching recovery with compassion, education, and realistic boundaries leads to more effective healing for everyone involved. Addiction is complex, and lasting change requires emotional support, treatment, time, and continuous effort.

Practical Exercises for Change

Making meaningful changes requires small, intentional actions. Here are exercises our loved ones and we can use to break self-defeating behaviors and encourage progress.

Journaling prompts (for self-reflection)

  • “What is one belief I have about recovery that might be holding me back?”
  • “What emotions arise when I set boundaries, and how do I cope with them?”
  • “What self-defeating behaviors do I see in myself, and what small steps can I take to change them?”

Communication exercises (to strengthen relationships)

  • “I statements” practice: Instead of blaming, express concerns using I feel… statements. Example: “I feel worried when you miss meetings because I care about your recovery.”
  • Active listening: Have a conversation in which each person listens without interruption, focusing entirely on understanding rather than responding.
  • Boundary-setting roleplay: Practice setting firm but compassionate boundaries with a friend or therapist before using them with a loved one.

Reflection questions for each stage

At each Stage of Change, ask:

  • “What is one thing I can do differently today to support my loved one without enabling?”
  • “How can I take care of myself while navigating my loved one’s recovery?”
  • “What steps can I take to break old patterns and encourage healthy progress?”

💡 The Power of small, consistent changes

  • One conversation can shift a mindset.
  • One boundary can reinforce healthy habits.
  • One moment of self-compassion can reduce shame and emotional distress.

By integrating emotional awareness, realistic perspectives, and practical exercises, we and our loved ones can move forward together and create a stronger foundation for recovery.

Final Thoughts

Recovery is a journey of transformation—breaking unhealthy cycles, shifting mindsets, and rebuilding trust. Both individuals and families experience emotional hurdles, self-defeating behaviors, and moments of growth.

The Stages of Change Model reminds us that progress takes time. Healing isn’t just about overcoming addiction—it’s about learning, adapting, and moving forward. Families must balance support with boundaries, while individuals in recovery work through guilt, shame, and self-discovery.

Ultimately, recovery is about resilience, patience, and hope. Each step, no matter how small, leads toward lasting change.

 

Related Resources

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Media

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Addict in the House: A No-Nonsense Family Guide Through Addiction and Recovery
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Codependency and Family Rules
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Description of Enabling
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Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses
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Progression of Addiction in the Family
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Regaining Trust
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Resentment…..The Pain that Keeps on Giving
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Restoration Through Forgiveness
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Setting Strong Boundaries
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Sober Champs – KEAGAN – Episode 16
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The Disease of Addiction
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The Six Stages of Change and Exercises for Change
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Web

Al-Anon Family Groups
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)
Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation
Helping Families Help – CRAFT Groups
Hopestream Community
National Institute On Drug Abuse
Northwest Buddhist Recovery
PAL: Parents of Addicted Loved Ones
Recovery Dharma
Refuge Recovery
SAMHSA: Mental Health and Substance Use Disorders
Sisu Healing Partners – CRAFT Group
SMART Recovery for Marijuana Addiction