“To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless"

- Henry Cloud

Welcome to our family support group! First of all, welcome to any newcomers and welcome back to those who have been part of this group before. It takes courage and vulnerability to show up and share your story with others, and as many of you do every week, it also takes courage and vulnerability to keep showing up. This week, we took a deep dive into the different forms of enabling. Enabling is when we try to treat an illogical problem logically. Our intentions are good, and we want to do anything to help our loved ones, hoping that the next action will be the one that gets them to admit they have a problem and want to seek help and treatment. However, instead of helping our loved ones, we are enabling them to continue their behaviors and not allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their actions. Enabling vs. helping depends on the stage your loved one is in with their addiction, and these two concepts look very different in an unhealthy vs. a healthy relationship. Enabling can take many forms that at the moment, seem like helping. However, we are prolonging the disease and being able to take our loved ones and our families hostage. We also looked at how the pattern of lying in addiction can continue into the early stages of recovery. For so long, our loved ones used lying to continue their addiction that it becomes a reflex action even when they are sober and seeking treatment. In the beginning stages of recovery, it’s about the actions behind the words, not just the words. You’re learning how to trust your loved one again, and they are learning how to be honest with you and themselves.

Understanding Enabling

Enabling refers to actions, often unintentional, that allow an individual struggling with addiction to continue their substance use without facing the consequences of their behavior. While these actions are typically motivated by love, fear, or a desire to help, they often prolong the addiction by creating a cushion for the loved one. This protection prevents them from experiencing the full impact of their choices, which is usually a necessary step for recognizing the need for change.

  • Helping vs. Enabling:
    • Helping: Doing something for someone they can realistically not do for themselves (e.g., providing medical assistance if incapacitated).
    • Enabling: Doing things for someone they can do themselves (e.g., paying their bills or making excuses for their behavior). Enabling fosters an environment where the addicted person can comfortably maintain their substance use.

Impact of Enabling

When enabling behaviors are in place, your loved one often denies the extent of their problem. Solving or avoiding their issues can unintentionally prevent your loved one from experiencing the consequences that might prompt them to seek help. Additionally:

  • Family and friends may become deeply affected by the addiction themselves, experiencing stress, guilt, or emotional turmoil.
  • Enabling dynamics can perpetuate codependency, where the enabler’s well-being becomes tied to the actions of the addicted person.

A Deeper Look At Enabling Behaviors

We discussed some of these behaviors during the meeting. This is a deeper look into these behaviors, with examples and suggestions for addressing them. Also, not all these behaviors apply to your situation with your loved one.

1. Denial:

  • Clarification: Denial occurs when you ignore or downplay the reality of a loved one’s substance use, often to avoid conflict or out of fear. You may rationalize their behavior to convince yourself or others that it isn’t as bad as it seems.
  • Example: “They’re not an addict; they’re just going through a rough patch at work.” By minimizing the severity, you’re inadvertently allowing the behavior to continue unchecked.
  • How to Address It: Acknowledge the problem with honesty. Accepting the situation allows you to take steps toward setting boundaries or supporting recovery.

2. Using with the Loved One:

  • Clarification: You might use substances with your loved one to monitor their intake, believing this keeps them “safe.” However, this normalizes the behavior and undermines their ability to recognize its harmfulness.
  • Example: Going out drinking with your loved one to “keep an eye on them,” thinking it reduces the likelihood of risky behavior like driving intoxicated.
  • How to Address It: Set an example by refraining from participating in substance use, reinforcing that such behavior is unacceptable.

3. Justification:

  • Clarification: Justification involves rationalizing harmful behavior to make it seem reasonable or acceptable. It prevents the individual from confronting the true consequences of their actions.
  • Example: “They deserve to relax after a long day,” or “It’s normal for college students to party.” These statements excuse the behavior rather than address it.
  • How to Address It: Shift the focus to the negative impacts of their behavior, regardless of the “reasons” behind it. Help them see how their choices affect themselves and others.

4. Keeping Feelings Inside:

  • Clarification: Suppressing your emotions to avoid conflict often leads to resentment and confusion. Over time, this can harm your mental health and make it harder to address the issue.
  • Example: “I’m scared for them, but I don’t want to upset them by bringing it up.” This avoidance fosters misunderstanding and prevents open communication.
  • How to Address It: Express your feelings calmly and honestly. For instance, “I feel worried when I see you drinking this much” opens the door to dialogue without placing blame.

5. Avoiding Problems:

  • Clarification: Avoiding problems means “keeping the peace” by ignoring or solving issues without confronting the root cause. This often delays necessary action.
  • Example: Covering up missed work deadlines or cleaning up after an incident to prevent embarrassment.
  • How to Address It: Allow the consequences to unfold naturally. Let them experience the results of their choices, as this can motivate them to recognize the need for change.

6. Protecting or Covering Up:

  • Clarification: Protecting their image or reputation removes accountability and allows them to continue their behavior without facing judgment or consequences.
  • Example: Calling their boss to explain an absence as an illness when they are hungover or making excuses to friends for erratic behavior.
  • How to Address It: Stop shielding them. For instance, if they miss work due to substance use, allow them to explain their absence themselves.

7. Blaming, Criticizing, and Lecturing:

  • Clarification: Harsh criticism or blame doesn’t stop the behavior and often pushes the individual into defensiveness or avoidance.
  • Example: “You’re ruining your life and our family!” This kind of statement often leads to resentment rather than meaningful change.
  • How to Address It: Use supportive and constructive language, such as, “I’m here to support you when you’re ready to seek help.”

8. Taking Over Responsibilities:

  • Clarification: By taking on their duties, you enable their behavior by preventing them from experiencing the impact of their actions.
  • Example: Paying their rent, cleaning up their messes, or completing their tasks because they’re intoxicated or hungover.
  • How to Address It: Let them manage their responsibilities. For instance, if they miss rent payments, allow the consequences (e.g., late fees) to occur.

9. Feeling Superior:

  • Clarification: Treating your loved one like a child or assuming a position of control can create resentment and hinder mutual respect.
  • Example: Speaking condescendingly or making decisions for them, like, “You clearly can’t handle this, so I’ll decide for you.”
  • How to Address It: Foster a collaborative approach by expressing mutual respect. For example, “I want to support you, but I need your input on what steps you’re ready to take.”

10. Controlling:

  • Clarification: Attempts to control every aspect of their life stem from a need to manage the chaos caused by their addiction, but it often backfires.
  • Example: “You can’t hang out with those friends anymore,” or, “I won’t let you have any money.” This can create resistance or rebellion.
  • How to Address It: Focus on setting boundaries that protect your well-being rather than trying to control their choices.

11. Enduring:

  • Clarification: Waiting passively, hoping things will improve without taking action, worsens the situation.
  • Example: “If I just give it time, maybe they’ll change on their own.” This delays the possibility of intervention and support.
  • How to Address It: Recognize when action is necessary. Encourage steps toward recovery, such as suggesting treatment or therapy.

Practicing Loving Detachment:

  • Clarification: Loving detachment means caring for your loved one while allowing them to face the consequences of their actions. It is not about abandoning them but about stepping back to protect your mental health and encourage their growth.
  • Example: Instead of fixing their problems, say, “I care about you, and I’m here to support you when you’re ready to seek help, but I can’t continue to solve these issues for you.”

By recognizing and addressing enabling behaviors, you can shift the dynamic from one that sustains addiction to one that encourages accountability and recovery.

Lying in Addiction and the Early Stages of Recovery

Lying is a familiar and profoundly ingrained behavior in individuals with substance use disorders (SUDs). It often serves as a survival mechanism to protect their addiction, avoid consequences, or maintain a sense of control. Breaking this cycle is crucial for recovery, as honesty is a cornerstone of rebuilding trust and fostering personal growth. Here’s a closer look at the pattern of lying and strategies to address it:

Why Lying Happens in Addiction:

  1. Shame and Guilt:
    • Loved ones often feel intense shame about their behavior. Lying becomes a way to avoid judgment or rejection from loved ones.
    • Example: Denying substance use to avoid disappointing family members.
  2. Fear of Consequences:
    • Lying helps them escape immediate consequences, such as losing a job, damaging relationships, or facing legal issues.
    • Example: Claiming they were late to work due to traffic rather than substance use.
  3. Denial and Self-Deception:
    • Addiction distorts reality, leading loved ones to lie not only to others but also to themselves. They may convince themselves they don’t have a problem or can quit anytime.
    • Example: “I only drink socially; it’s not a big deal.”
  4. Maintaining the Addiction:
    • Lying allows them to continue using substances without interference. It becomes a tool to hide their behavior and sustain their habit.
    • Example: “I need money for groceries,” when the money is intended for substances.
  5. Impaired Decision-Making:
    • Addiction rewires the brain’s reward system, impairing judgment and making lying feel like the easiest way to navigate challenges.

Breaking the Cycle of Lying in Recovery:

  1. Acknowledging the Behavior:
    • The first step is recognizing the pattern of dishonesty and its impact on relationships and recovery. This requires self-awareness and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths.
  2. Practicing Radical Honesty:
    • Encourage small, truthful statements to build the habit of honesty. Over time, this can extend to more challenging situations.
    • Example: Admitting to a missed therapy session rather than making excuses.
  3. Building Trust Gradually:
    • Rebuilding trust with loved ones takes time and consistent honesty. Acknowledge past lies and commit to transparency moving forward.
  4. Seeking Professional Support:
    • Therapy or counseling can help loved ones explore the root causes of their dishonesty and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
    • Family therapy can also address the relational impact of lying and foster open communication.
  5. Creating Accountability:
    • Support groups like SMART Recovery or 12-step programs emphasize accountability and honesty as key recovery components.
    • Example: Sharing openly in meetings about struggles with honesty.
  6. Identifying Triggers:
    • Understanding what situations or emotions lead to lying can help loved ones develop alternative responses.
    • Example: If fear of judgment triggers dishonesty, practicing self-compassion and seeking nonjudgmental support can help.
  7. Forgiving Yourself:
    • Breaking the cycle of lying is a process, and setbacks may occur. Self-forgiveness is essential to maintaining motivation and continuing to work toward honesty.

How Loved Ones Can Support the Process:

  1. Encourage Honesty Without Judgment:
    • Create a safe space for open communication by responding calmly and supportively when the loved one is truthful.
  2. Set Boundaries:
    • Make it clear that honesty is required to rebuild trust, but avoid enabling dishonest behavior.
  3. Focus on Progress, Not Perfection:
    • Celebrate small steps toward honesty, even if the loved one isn’t entirely transparent yet.
  4. Seek Support for Yourself:
    • Join groups like Al-Anon to learn strategies for navigating the challenges of supporting someone in recovery.

Breaking the cycle of lying is challenging but achievable with self-awareness, support, and a commitment to change. Honesty strengthens relationships and lays the foundation for a successful recovery journey.

Specific Strategies for Breaking the Cycle of Lying

Let’s dive into some specific strategies for breaking the cycle of lying within the context of substance use disorder (SUD) and recovery. These strategies focus on actions both your loved one in recovery, and you can take to foster honesty and rebuild trust.

For the Individual in Recovery

  1. Start with Small Steps Toward Honesty:
    • Begin by being truthful about less emotionally charged topics, such as daily habits or minor decisions. Practice honesty in these areas to build confidence and reduce the fear of being judged.
    • Example: If you skipped a meeting or therapy session, acknowledge it instead of fabricating an excuse. Owning up to minor missteps fosters personal growth and trust.
  2. Identify Triggers for Dishonesty:
    • Reflect on what situations, emotions, or fears lead to lying. Journaling can help uncover patterns, such as lying, to avoid conflict or to cover up feelings of shame.
    • Example: If fear of confrontation triggers dishonesty, prepare calm, factual statements for addressing tough conversations (e.g., “I didn’t follow through on my commitment, and I take responsibility for it”).
  3. Seek an Accountability Partner:
    • Find someone you trust—a sponsor, therapist, or supportive friend—who can help you stay honest. Share your challenges with them and ask for feedback when you are tempted to lie.
    • Example: Commit to being fully transparent with your sponsor during recovery check-ins. This creates accountability in a nonjudgmental space.
  4. Focus on Living in the Present:
    • Lying often stems from dwelling on past mistakes or anxieties about the future. Practice mindfulness to stay present and reduce the pressure to distort the truth.
    • Example: Attend mindfulness-based recovery programs or incorporate breathing exercises when feeling overwhelmed.
  5. Make Amends When Dishonesty Occurs:
    • Recovery isn’t about perfection. If you slip up and lie, acknowledge it, apologize sincerely, and commit to improving.
    • Example: If you lied about your whereabouts, admit the truth and say, “I realize I was dishonest, and I’m working on being more truthful moving forward.”

For Loved Ones Supporting Recovery

  1. Create a Safe Environment for Honesty:
    • Respond calmly when your loved one shares the truth, even if it’s difficult to hear. Avoid anger or judgment, as this may discourage future honesty.
    • Example: If they admit to relapsing, say, “Thank you for telling me. Let’s talk about how we can address this together,” rather than reacting with disappointment or blame.
  2. Set and Communicate Clear Boundaries:
    • Establish boundaries around honesty and explain their importance for rebuilding trust. Be consistent in holding these boundaries without being punitive.
    • Example: “I need you to be truthful if we’re going to rebuild trust. I’m here to support you, but I can’t do that if I can’t rely on your honesty.”
  3. Don’t Enable Dishonesty:
    • Avoid rescuing them from the consequences of their lies. This could mean allowing them to face the outcomes of their actions, even if it’s uncomfortable.
    • Example: If they lie about why they missed work, let them explain it to their employer rather than cover for them.
  4. Seek Support for Yourself:
    • Join groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, where you can connect with others who understand the challenges of supporting a loved one in recovery. These groups often provide tools for fostering honest communication.
    • Example: Participate in a meeting to share your experiences and gain insights from others in similar situations.
  5. Focus on Positive Reinforcement:
    • Acknowledge and praise moments of honesty, especially early in recovery. Positive reinforcement can motivate more truthful behavior.
    • Example: “I really appreciate that you were honest with me about that—it helps me feel like we’re rebuilding trust.”

Collaborative Strategies for Both Parties

  1. Establish Open Communication:
    • Regularly check in with one another to create space for honest dialogue. Use “I” statements to express feelings without assigning blame.
    • Example: “I feel hurt when I discover things weren’t shared truthfully, but I want us to work together to build trust.”
  2. Focus on the Bigger Picture:
    • Discuss how honesty is a key part of the recovery process. Emphasize shared goals, such as improving relationships or maintaining sobriety.
    • Example: “Being truthful helps us move forward and creates the foundation for a healthier future.”
  3. Celebrate Progress Together:
    • Acknowledge growth in honesty and recovery, no matter how small. Recognizing progress can strengthen motivation for both individuals.
    • Example: “I’ve noticed you’ve been more open lately, and I’m really proud of your effort.”

Breaking the cycle of lying is not an overnight process—it requires patience, consistency, and mutual effort. By fostering an environment of trust, accountability, and compassion, the individual in recovery and their loved ones can work together to rebuild honest, healthy relationships.

Final Thoughts

Breaking the cycles of enabling and dishonesty is a critical step in fostering recovery and rebuilding trust. While enabling often arises from love and a desire to protect, it can inadvertently shield loved ones from the consequences that drive meaningful change. Similarly, habitual lying, frequently a survival mechanism during addiction, can erode relationships and personal growth if left unaddressed. By recognizing these patterns and adopting healthier strategies—such as setting boundaries, practicing accountability, and encouraging honesty—your loved one and you can create an environment of trust, resilience, and mutual support. Recovery is a journey that requires patience, self-awareness, and a shared commitment to growth. Still, it is possible to rebuild healthier, more honest connections and lay the foundation for a brighter future together.

Related Resources

Our Articles

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12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: Getting Your Recovery Unstuck
 in Books
Addict in the House: A No-Nonsense Family Guide Through Addiction and Recovery
 in Books
Al-Anon Newcomers
 in Documents
Am I helping, or enabling?
 in Documents
Codependency and Family Rules
 in Books
Codependent No More
 in Books
Description of Enabling
 in Documents
Detachment
 in Documents
Everything Changes: Help for Families of Newly Recovering Addicts
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Family Roles in Addiction
 in Documents
How Al-Anon Works for Family & Friends
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Love First: A Family’s Guide to Intervention
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Maintaining Personal Boundaries
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Patterns In Codependency
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Regaining Trust
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Restoration Through Forgiveness
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Setting Strong Boundaries
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The Cycle of Guilt and Shame
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The Disease of Addiction
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The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the One you Love
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Understanding Boundaries
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What is Codependency?
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Al-Anon Family Groups
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Helping Families Help – CRAFT Groups
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National Association for Children of Alcoholics
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