“Rebuilding trust starts with acknowledging the emotions that come with broken bonds and allowing yourself to heal."

- Lysa TerKeurst

Welcome to our family support group! Welcome, everyone—whether you’re joining us for the first time or returning to this space, we're grateful to have you here. It takes courage and vulnerability to show up and share your journey, and just as many of you do each week, it takes just as much bravery to keep showing up. Your presence matters. This week, we discussed various topics that all intersect with one another when facing challenges with your loved one's active addiction and their recovery. Addiction is hard on everyone in the family, whether it’s a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, son or daughter, mother or father, or a friend that you consider family. Recovery is a process that both the family and the loved one have to go through, and it is a lifelong commitment. For family, recovery means going through various stages of change, learning how to set and stick to those boundaries, taking care of yourself again, and trusting your loved one again. Recovery is not easy, but rebuilding yourself and your family is worth the work.

The Connection Between Boundaries, Stages of Change, Self-Care, and Learning to Trust Again

These concepts are deeply interconnected, forming a foundation for both the recovering individual and their family members to heal and grow. Here’s how they relate:

  • Setting Boundaries: Boundaries help  you and your family protect your emotional well-being while supporting your loved one. They prevent enabling behaviors and create a structure where trust can be rebuilt gradually.
  • Stages of Change Model: This model outlines the phases you and your loved one go through in recovery—precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and sometimes relapse. You can use this framework to understand your and your loved one’s journey and adjust your expectations accordingly.
  • Self-Care: Supporting someone in recovery can be emotionally draining. You must prioritize your well-being through self-care practices, ensuring you have the strength to maintain boundaries and offer support without losing yourselves in the process.
  • Learning to Trust Again: Trust is rebuilt through consistency, honesty, and accountability. Boundaries help define acceptable behaviors, while the stages of change model provides insight into progress. Self-care ensures family members have the resilience to navigate setbacks and celebrate victories.

Together, these elements create a balanced approach to healing—allowing you and your family  to support your loved one while maintaining your emotional health.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential for both your and your loved ones in recovery. Boundaries create a structure that fosters accountability, prevents enabling, and ensures emotional well-being. Let’s break it down further:

Emotional Boundaries

  • Separating Responsibility: You and your family must recognize that you are not responsible for your loved one’s choices or emotions. This prevents guilt and codependency.
  • Avoiding Emotional Manipulation: Addiction can sometimes lead to manipulation, where your recovering loved one may use guilt or blame to get what they want. Setting firm emotional boundaries helps prevent this.
  • Encouraging Independence: Instead of constantly rescuing your loved one, you should encourage self-sufficiency and personal growth. This allows your loved one to take responsibility for their actions.

Behavioral Boundaries

  • Defining Acceptable Actions: You should clearly communicate what behaviors are unacceptable, such as lying, stealing, or using substances in the home.
  • Refusing to Enable: Enabling behaviors—such as covering up mistakes, making excuses, or providing financial support for non-essential expenses—can hinder recovery.
  • Holding Loved Ones Accountable: If boundaries are violated, you and your family  must follow through with consequences, such as limiting financial assistance or restricting access to certain privileges.

Time and Energy Boundaries

  • Prioritizing Self-Care: Supporting a love one in recovery can be emotionally exhausting. You  need to take time for yourself, engage in hobbies, and maintain your own well-being.
  • Avoiding Over-Involvement: It’s important to support your loved one without letting their struggles consume every aspect of life.You should maintain your own relationships, interests, and goals.
  • Creating Space for Healing: Recovery is a personal journey, and sometimes, stepping back allows your loved one to take ownership of their progress.

Setting boundaries isn’t about punishment—it’s about creating a safe, respectful space for healing.

Setting Boundaries with a Loved One in Recovery and Active Addiction

Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships, protecting emotional well-being, and fostering accountability. Whether your loved one is actively struggling with addiction or working toward recovery, clear and compassionate boundaries can help you support them without enabling destructive behaviors.

Communicate Clearly and Consistently

  • Use “I” statements to express your needs without sounding accusatory (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t know what to expect. I need clear communication about your recovery progress.”).
  • When speaking to your loved one in active addiction, reinforce boundaries without engaging in arguments or manipulative discussions (e.g., “I can’t be part of conversations where you are intoxicated.”).
  • Be firm but compassionate—boundaries should be clear, but they don’t have to be harsh.

Define Financial Boundaries

  • Avoid lending money, as it can unintentionally enable harmful behaviors. Even in recovery, financial independence is an important step.
  • If financial support is necessary, set clear conditions (e.g., “I can help with rent, but I won’t provide money for anything else.”).
  • In active addiction, refuse financial assistance that supports substance use (e.g., “I won’t cover legal fees or bail resulting from drug-related incidents.”).

Establish Safety Rules

  • Create substance-free household policies to maintain a stable environment.
  • Define visitor rules, especially in active addiction. For example, “I won’t allow guests under the influence in my home.”
  • If your loved one is in recovery, encourage them to engage in safe spaces and accountability groups.

Prioritize Personal Space and Privacy

  • Maintain your own self-care by setting limits on how much time and emotional energy you can devote to their struggles.
  • When your loved one is in active addiction, avoid over-monitoring their behavior, as it may lead to frustration and unhealthy control dynamics.
  • In recovery, support your loved one’s independence while ensuring accountability.

Seek Professional Support

  • Family therapy can help improve communication and reinforce boundaries at any stage.
  • Support groups for you and your family provide guidance and emotional relief.

Stay Consistent and Follow Through

  • Boundaries lose effectiveness if they aren’t enforced. Stick to them even when it’s difficult.
  • In active addiction, this might mean distancing yourself when necessary (e.g., “I love you, but I can’t have a relationship that revolves around addiction.”).
  • In recovery, reaffirm expectations with patience and celebrate progress.

These boundaries help protect both you and your loved one while encouraging growth and accountability.

Handling Resistance When Setting Boundaries

Handling resistance when setting boundaries with your loved one in recovery or active addiction can be challenging, but staying firm and compassionate is key. Here are some strategies to help:

Expect Push back

  • Resistance is natural—your loved one may react with anger, guilt-tripping, or manipulation.
  • Stay calm and remind yourself that boundaries are about self-respect, not control.

Stay Consistent

  • If you set a boundary, stick to it. If you waver, your loved one may learn that they can push back until you give in.
  • Example: If you say, “I won’t give you money,” but later cave, they will continue asking.

Use Clear and Direct Communication

  • Avoid vague statements—be specific about your boundaries.
  • Example: Instead of “I think you should stop drinking,” say, “I won’t allow drinking in my home.”

Remain Calm and Compassionate

  • Boundaries should be firm but loving. Avoid blaming or shaming.
  • Example: “I love you, and I want to see you get help. But I can’t support destructive behaviors.”

Set Consequences and Follow Through

  • If a boundary is violated, calmly reaffirm expectations and take necessary action.
  • Example: “If you continue using substances in my home, I will have to ask you to leave.”

Seek Support

  • Family therapy and support groups can help reinforce boundaries and provide emotional guidance.
  • Connecting with others who have faced similar challenges can offer strength and perspective.

Stage of Change for Your Loved One

The Stages of Change Model, also known as the Transtheoretical Model, provides a framework for understanding how your loved one moves through the process of overcoming addiction. It helps you and your family set realistic expectations and offer appropriate support at each stage.

  1. Precontemplation
  • Your loved does not yet recognize their addiction as a problem.
  • They may be in denial or believe they have control over their substance use.
  • You and your family can often feel frustrated because your loved one refuses to acknowledge the issue.
  • How to support: Avoid confrontation and instead provide gentle encouragement and education about addiction.
  1. Contemplation
  • Your loved one begins to recognize their addiction but feels ambivalent about change.
  • They may weigh the pros and cons of quitting but feel uncertain about taking action.
  • You and your family may notice moments of clarity followed by resistance.
  • How to support: Encourage open conversations, express concern without judgment, and provide resources for recovery.
  1. Preparation
  • Your loved one decides to seek help and starts making plans for recovery.
  • They may research treatment options, talk to professionals, or set a quit date.
  • You and your family may feel hopeful but also cautious about potential setbacks.
  • How to support: Offer practical assistance, such as helping find treatment programs or attending support groups together.
  1. Action
  • Your loved one actively engages in recovery efforts, such as therapy, rehab, or support groups.
  • They begin making lifestyle changes to support sobriety.
  • You and your family  may feel relieved but also anxious about relapse.
  • How to support: Reinforce positive behaviors, celebrate progress, and maintain healthy boundaries.
  1. Maintenance
  • Your loved one works to sustain sobriety and prevent relapse.
  • They develop coping strategies and build a support network.
  • You and your family may struggle with lingering trust issues but also see growth.
  • How to support: Continue offering encouragement, respect their independence, and seek family therapy if needed.

Recovery is not always linear—people may move back and forth between stages, and relapse can occur. Understanding this model helps you an your family provide the right support at the right time.

Stage of Change for Family Members

The Stages of Change Model doesn’t just apply to your loved ones struggling with addiction—it also applies to you and your family as you navigate your healing process. You experience your emotional journey, adjusting to your loved one’s addiction, recovery, and potential setbacks. Here’s how the model relates to family recovery:

  1. Precontemplation (Denial & Avoidance)
  • You and your family may deny the severity of your loved one’s addiction or believe you can control it.
  • You might avoid discussing the issue or make excuses for your loved one’s behavior.
  • Support Strategy: Education is key—learning about addiction helps you and your family recognize the reality of the situation.
  1. Contemplation (Recognizing the Problem)
  • You and your family begin to acknowledge the impact of addiction but feel uncertain about how to respond.
  • You may struggle with guilt, fear, or resentment while weighing your options.
  • Support Strategy: Seeking therapy or support groups can help process emotions and explore healthy coping mechanisms.
  1. Preparation (Taking Steps Toward Change)
  • You and your family  start setting boundaries and exploring ways to support your loved one without enabling.
  • You may research treatment options or consider interventions.
  • Support Strategy: Developing a plan for self-care and healthy communication ensures you can support your loved one effectively.
  1. Action (Implementing Change)
  • You and your family actively engage in recovery efforts, such as attending therapy, setting firm boundaries, and practicing self-care.
  • You shift from reacting emotionally to responding with clarity and consistency.
  • Support Strategy: Reinforcing positive behaviors and maintaining healthy relationships helps sustain progress.
  1. Maintenance (Sustaining Growth & Healing)
  • You and your family work to maintain healthy boundaries, communication, and emotional stability.
  • You continue supporting your loved one while prioritizing your well-being.
  • Support Strategy: Ongoing therapy, support groups, and self-care practices help prevent emotional relapse.

Recovery is a family journey, and understanding these stages can help you and your family navigate your healing process while supporting your loved one. Remember, that your recovery is not a linear process either. Just like your loved one you may go back and forth between stages and not all of your family may be at the same stage at the same time, and that’s normal.

The Importance of Self-Care

Self-care is essential for you and your family when supporting your loved one in recovery. Without it, emotional exhaustion and burnout can take over, making it harder to provide meaningful support. Let’s break it down further:

Emotional Self-Care

  • Therapy & Counseling: Speaking with a professional can help process emotions, set boundaries, and develop coping strategies.
  • Journaling: Writing down thoughts and feelings can provide clarity and emotional release.
  • Support Groups: Connecting with others who understand the challenges of addiction recovery can offer validation and guidance.

Physical Self-Care

  • Exercise: Regular movement—whether it’s walking, yoga, or strength training—helps reduce stress and improve mood.
  • Sleep Hygiene: Prioritizing rest ensures emotional resilience and mental clarity.
  • Healthy Eating: A balanced diet supports overall well-being, preventing fatigue and stress-related health issues.

Social Self-Care

  • Maintaining Friendships: Spending time with people outside of recovery-related concerns helps maintain a sense of normalcy.
  • Engaging in Activities: Hobbies, outings, and social events provide joy and relaxation.
  • Setting Boundaries: Protecting personal time and energy ensures relationships remain healthy and fulfilling.

Mindfulness & Stress Management

  • Meditation & Deep Breathing: These practices help regulate emotions and reduce anxiety.
  • Spending Time in Nature: Walking outdoors, gardening, or simply sitting in a peaceful environment can be grounding.
  • Creative Outlets: Painting, music, or writing can serve as therapeutic ways to process emotions.

Prioritizing self-care allows you and your family to stay strong, emotionally balanced, and supportive without losing yourselves in your loved one’s recovery journey.

Creating a Personalized Self-Care Plan

Creating a personalized self-care plan ensures that you prioritize your well-being while supporting a loved one in recovery. Here’s a step-by-step approach:

Identify Your Needs

  • Reflect on what areas of your life feel drained or neglected.
  • Consider emotional, physical, social, and spiritual needs.

Set Realistic Goals

  • Choose small, manageable self-care activities that fit into your daily routine.
  • Example: “I will take 15 minutes each morning for quiet reflection.”

Create a Self-Care Routine

  • Emotional Care: Journaling, therapy, or joining a support group.
  • Physical Care: Exercise, healthy eating, and sleep hygiene.
  • Social Care: Spending time with friends outside of recovery-related concerns.
  • Mindfulness & Stress Management: Meditation, hobbies, or nature walks.

Establish Boundaries

  • Define what you can and cannot do for your loved one.
  • Example: “I will support their recovery, but I won’t sacrifice my own mental health.”

Track Your Progress

  • Keep a self-care journal to reflect on what’s working.
  • Adjust your plan as needed to ensure balance.

Seek Support

  • Connect with family therapy, support groups, or online communities.
  • Surround yourself with people who encourage your well-being.

Rebuilding Trust

Rebuilding trust after addiction is a delicate process that requires time, effort, and mutual understanding. Here’s a deeper look at each key element:

Consistency

  • Trust is rebuilt through actions, not words. Your loved one must demonstrate reliability by following through on commitments, attending recovery meetings, and maintaining sobriety.
  • Small, everyday actions—such as showing up on time, being honest, and respecting boundaries—gradually restore credibility.
  • You and your family  should observe patterns rather than relying on promises alone.

Open Communication

  • Honest conversations help rebuild relationships. You and your family should express your concerns while your loved one acknowledges past mistakes and commits to change.
  • Transparency is crucial—your loved one should be open about their struggles, triggers, and progress.
  • Active listening and non-judgmental dialogue foster a safe space for healing.

Forgiveness (Within Reason)

  • Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing past behavior—it means letting go of resentment to move forward.
  • You and your family should set realistic expectations and recognize that trust takes time.
  • Boundaries remain essential—while forgiveness is healing, it should not come at the cost of emotional well-being.

Understanding Relapse Risk

  • Recovery is not linear—relapse can happen, and it doesn’t mean failure.
  • You and your family should educate yourselves about addiction and relapse triggers to respond with support rather than punishment.
  • If relapse occurs, trust must be rebuilt step by step, with accountability and renewed commitment to recovery.

Rebuilding trust is a journey, but with patience and mutual effort, relationships can heal and even grow stronger.

How to Rebuild Trust

You and your family also need to rebuild trust—both with your recovering loved one and within yourselves. Here’s how these strategies apply to you and your family:

Open and Honest Communication

  • You and your family should express your fears, frustrations, and hopes openly.
  • Avoid bottling up emotions—instead, share concerns in a calm, constructive way.
  • Encourage two-way conversations where both sides feel heard.

Consistency in Actions

  • Just as your recovering loved one must prove reliability, you and your family should also be consistent in your support and boundaries.
  • Avoid mixed signals—if a boundary is set, stick to it.
  • Show reliability through long-term behavior, not just words.

Making Amends

  • Addiction affects everyone, and you and your family may have had hurtful reactions in the past.
  • Apologizing for harsh words, enabling behaviors, or past resentment can help rebuild trust.
  • Healing is a two-way process—both sides must acknowledge mistakes.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

  • Define clear expectations for communication and behavior.
  • Protect personal well-being by avoiding enabling behaviors.
  • Respect the you loved one’s need for independence while maintaining accountability.

Understanding Relapse Risk

  • You and your family should educate yourselves about addiction and relapse triggers.
  • If relapse occurs, respond with support rather than frustration.
  • Trust must be rebuilt step by step, with patience and understanding.

Seeking Support

  • Family therapy and support groups can help you and your family process emotions.
  • Connecting with others who have experienced similar challenges can offer strength and perspective.
  • Prioritizing self-care ensures you and your family remain emotionally stable.

Final Thoughts

Navigating addiction recovery—whether as a recovering individual or a family member—is a journey of patience, resilience, and growth. Trust is rebuilt through consistency and open communication, while boundaries protect emotional well-being. Understanding the Stages of Change allows for realistic expectations, and prioritizing self-care ensures strength throughout the process. Recovery isn’t linear, but with support, education, and a commitment to healing, relationships can be restored and even strengthened. While the road may be challenging, hope, compassion, and small steps forward can lead to deeper trust and lasting transformation.

Related Resources

Our Articles

Media

Addict in the House: A No-Nonsense Family Guide Through Addiction and Recovery
 in Books
Adult Children of Alcoholics
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Al Anon Faces Alcoholism
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Al-Anon Newcomers
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Alateen – Hope for Children of Alcoholics
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Am I helping, or enabling?
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Anger Iceberg
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Codependency and Family Rules
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Coping Skills for Anger
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Description of Enabling
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Detaching with Love and Openheartedness
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Detachment
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Everything Changes: Help for Families of Newly Recovering Addicts
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Family Roles in Addiction
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In Depth Family Roles in Addiction
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Maintaining Personal Boundaries
 in Documents
Progression of Addiction in the Family
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Regaining Trust
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Resentment…..The Pain that Keeps on Giving
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Restoration Through Forgiveness
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Setting Strong Boundaries
 in Documents
The Body Keeps the Score
 in Books
The Cycle of Guilt and Shame
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The Disease of Addiction
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The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the One you Love
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The Parallel Process: Growing Alongside Your Adolescent or Young Adult Child in Treatment
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Understanding Boundaries
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When Someone in the Family Drinks too Much
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Working Through Shame and Guilt
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Web

Al-Anon Family Groups
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)
Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation
Helping Families Help – CRAFT Groups
Hopestream Community
National Association for Children of Alcoholics
National Institute On Drug Abuse
Northwest Buddhist Recovery
PAL: Parents of Addicted Loved Ones
Recovery Dharma
Refuge Recovery
Sisu Healing Partners – CRAFT Group
SMART Recovery for Marijuana Addiction